IT WAS A STRANGE DAY.

I have a strong feeling that this day wanted to wake me up.

I stood at the railway station with a prescription in my pockect. A prescription that a doctor had handed me a few moments earlier after I had told him what had been going through my head recently. I felt empty. It wasn’t that cold considering the time of the year but yet I was frozen, frozen to the bone. I stood there staring at the railway tracks and my thoughts started to wander. I found myself thinking about the previous night and the previous year and I was afraid. The train was terribly late but it didn’t make much difference. The place is kinda irrelevant when you’re staring at nowhere anyways.

The train did arrive eventually and I hopped in. As the train approached the Käpylä station I noticed a police car, another, and then an army of police officers around the railway tracks. Then my eyes focused on something that shouldn’t have been there at all. A human arm was laying on the frost whitened railway tracks. A second later I noticed a lonely leg next to shitloads of blood. As the train was slowing down I watched the medics cover up the body, or what was left of the body. It took a while for me to realize what had happened and the irony of it all. Someone had decided to leave this place and witnessing it made me feel nothing.

Around that time of my life I started writing these songs to get the shit out of my head. In a way the themes of my lyrics are nothing new, since modern hardcore/metal lyrics and t-shirts are filled with razors and broken hearts. Talking about suicides and depression is almost like talking about weather these days. There’s no doubt that this phenomenon is just another stupid trend that will soon be "oh so last year’s thing". But at the same time, I strongly believe that all these trends are also reflecting our time. It can’t be denied that people are truly feeling sick. It’s no secret these days if someone is seeing a psychologist or taking pills for depression. And to me it’s not surprising. It’s not the easiest job to maintain mental balance in this age of quarrel. Like a friend of mine wrote: "we are so lost, in every way, in every day". But the bottom line is that we must carry on pursuing new ways of survival from within ourselves. Quitting is not an option, get it?

It’s been about 1 ½ years since the day that I described above and I have managed to find a way of letting go of the things that were driving me to a total darkness. Through music and writing I found my inner light and with this light I’m planning to make my way through these sick times where everything seems to be heading nowhere fast.

My love for life has returned. The giant is gone but it left it’s mark on my life, mark that I’m not going to run away from. I will take it as it comes. Forward, now!

31.12.2005 Toni

To me its all about finally finding a way express myself. Frustration, owerwhelming hate and wrong ways to try to get along with all these negative feelings drive us deeper and deeper into our own shit. Like someone said our anger is a gift. We just need to use it as a creative force.

The words that i’ve been writing since last summer are about the personal catharsis I dealt with last year. To me this band is a foundation for my survival, the cornerstone for brighter times. To me music has always been a hiding place from this bullshit world and the reality that surrounds us, the reality that is sometimes hard to take as it is. A hiding place from monsters that i keep creating inside my head. An alternative to neurological medicine and other shit that they keep suggesting you for all your problems. I’m hitting my head against the wall thinking that it will take away the dirt. I know it’s not helping at all, yet I catch myself doing it regularly.

Sometimes hardcore music and especially gigs have been the only things that make sense to me or feel something. For 15 years I’ve been watching other people doing their bands and I’ve seen how much playing music gives to them. Now it’s the time to take a step from the dancefloor to the stage and start screaming out my own words. It’s a weird situation, even frightening, but at the same time it’s a dream come true. To be honest, I have to admit that I’ve been thinking about it after most of the gigs where I’ve moshed my head off in the pit, screaming other people’s lyrics with my lungs bleeding.

To me punk means doing my own thing. Singing is as purifying as throwing up on a hangover morning (believe it or not, I still remember how it feels…). It is kind of like vomiting on people who then wonder what the fuck has this guy eaten. They either like what they’ll find or not. I don’t care, I’ll keep vomiting because it always eases the pain for a while...

Follow the light kids .
TONI xxx
Helsinki 3.2 2005

There have been some bands and projects in my past. It's been a while though. Good things come to those who wait, and I'm that kind of person who waits - a lot. On some level I always knew that I would sooner or later end up in some band again. This time I surprisingly found myself trying to learn how to play bass instead of singing/screaming. I didn't search a band it just found me.

First it was a refreshing change to my daily routines. Something to do besides my everyday life that consisted mainly of skateboarding, art and school - in that order. Now it is much more. School is over and it's winter, so amount of skateboarding is minimal. Waking up isn't so painful anymore, because I can play music. On some mornings I even feel little sparks of happiness because I woke up.

Many people have said that hardcore is a release. I think I somehow understood it in the first hardcore show that I went ten something years ago, but now that I play in a band again I can truly appreciate it. On our previous show (our second gig, to be honest) I remember that I've been screaming almost unconscious while playing. It felt amazingly purifying. That same feeling was present in last summer when I finally saw Shai Hulud play live. If playing will always feel this good, I definetly know what I want to do in the near future.

On a St Valentine's Day, 2005 when world pretends to be white, clean and safe.
-Samuli-